note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
