So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
