Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
