Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
