Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
