when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
