can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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