I just found puke in my bra..
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
