These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
