I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
