my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sobbing to NWA
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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