I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
