Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
