I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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