did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I could make wine with my vomit
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
