Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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