my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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