The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
