please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
