I think i sorta joined a cult last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it was like eating out sand paper
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
