Whatcha textin bout Willis?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
