I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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