hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
