upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
