Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
