I wish they made helmets for livers.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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