i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
