New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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