He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
