my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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