Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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