I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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