I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
we're so committed to being not committed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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