i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
