i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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