We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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