Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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