This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
