I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize