i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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