The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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