my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
two words: eviction party
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
