We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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