i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I will pee on everything he values.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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