so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm at about main and main street
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
