Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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