M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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