I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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