My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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