You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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