i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
