note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
