you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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