She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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