Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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