As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize