Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
