oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
