I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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