I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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