My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
