I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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